My burp mitzvah

It is still funny, but less funny

I like to read on the Internet, and even though I’m well past the midway point of my life, I still like to engage in base, puerile humor. It is much better to me than to engage in the world of the grown-ups and deal with the mean-spirited nature of things. (And people. Eff them amirite?)

So, I was reading this story about the language and scientific exploration of part of the popular culture, but really, I was attracted to the work “burp” in the headline. I’m skimming the story like I always do, seeing if I want to burn the ten minutes reading it, when I come to my favorite part of any Internet article; A VIDEO. I start watching the video and hooooo BOY did I not want to finish it. Maybe it was just that day, at that time, where the primordial coincidence of the universe was fully swirling around me in the mostly chaotic way, but I really was a little grossed out by the burp talking.

I’ve watching that Rick and Morty show. I think it is funny, and I’m very well aware of the burp talking but seeing the big super cut all at once was just too much for me thank you.

That was the day I finally become a grown up I commented to the Internet’s eternal memory. At least a few people agreed with me enough to grant me some Internet points.

The moment and source of when this struck me

Since that time, maybe because Murphy was real or karma is a ditch, but I developed a sort of ever-present burp. The kind of little “burrp” that I can make almost any time. Just little ones, never a “buuuurrrrrrrrrrp” or anything too wet. Just the kind of burp you’d record and put into a video game or sell as a part of a sound board. I can do it all the time. I can basically swallow in the same way I’ve always swallowed, and I can then make a burp. I’ve done it five times while I wrote this very paragraph, so I can experience it and describe it.

This is a skill I’ve ALWAYS WANTED. 12-year-old me would have traded a LOT of stuff to be able to burp like this. I still think that the kind of dorks that 12-year-old me hung out with would have really appreciated it. I can’t say for sure, but I think I developed my superpower 30 years too late.

Now I have it, and honestly, I don’t want it. I don’t want to bother or embarrass my wife. I don’t want to stifle the burps on public transportation or hold my fist to my mouth and turn ot the side in my teleconference meetings at work. Now the burping is a burden. And now I can’t stop it.

I got the hiccups once, and I would hiccup and then have (HAVE TO) burp twice after each one. It became torture.

This is what adulthood is. Swell.

There is a silver lining where the same part of me that still wants to watch cartoons when I’m alone, is the same part of me that kind likes the burp. I admit it isn’t the worst. But now it is a dirty shame. Like eating ice cream at midnight or stepping in a dog turd.

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