Step 1 of the plan:
The monkeys have spears. Do I need to spell this one out for you? The MONKEYS have SPEARS. This is not a drill. Who amongst us has not heard or worse seen a monkey hurl its doody at a person or a crowd. Monkeys, chimps, gorillas…. they do not like us. It might be jealousy of our television, it might be anger at it. To me, it doesn’t really matter.
Step 2 of the plan:
Sink holes. Big ones. This is really just a secondary step. It makes the retreat harder, basically setting us up as sitting ducks for the spear monkey army. Having to dodge this pit of death will only make the monkey’s happy. I would even go so far as to suggest we drop the term “sitting duck” and make it “sitting human”, cause this is how it will break down. Plus, if mother Earth decides that there are to many monkey casualties (cause you know some fool will fight back) then the earth will just start swallowing our tanks. It is more or less flawless.
Step 3 of the plan:
Three parter. The end result is annihilation via the sea. Seeing as how swimming isn’t really a sport or an exercise, but a struggle for life, it is clear humans don’t belong in the ocean. Not for long periods of time. We turn prune-y. We flail and splash, and all but the best of us go very very slow. Ideal for being eaten, not so hot if survival is your bag. Warm water or cold water, we are done for.
Lets not even get started on the virgin birth hammerhead shark. If it was immaculate conception, then I would have to say Sting Rays: 2 Evil:0.
The only salvation:
BEFRIEND THE STINGRAY. They are basically cool looking. They take no guff, they kill what needs killing and if you are chill, they will let you ride on them. They aren’t two face like dolphins. The sting ray are our only hope. We need to start breeding programs, and have the military complex investigate fitting sting rays with lasers and missile launchers. I know you are probably think attack bears with missiles, but by the time we have the technology it might be too late.