Shitty Roommate


Shokan came out of the closet to say:

What was this guy’s story about shitting on a stove and leaving it on? Or shit in the refridgerator? OR shit in various fixtures?

Why didn’t you call the landlord and get this guy kicked out?

The feces he left around falls into three categories:

A) Experiments he conducted. The stove top feces thing was an experiment he conducted after his toilet was broken, and I refused him access to mine, and his neighbors got sick of letting him use theirs. I think he was trying to find some new way of getting rid of his shit. Either that or he thought it would be funny to make me clean shit off of his stove top and then got curious about what would happen if he turned on the burner. He really liked playing with heating elements and fire. It was fucking stupid. The dead cat in the oven, I think, falls into this category as well.

B) Feces in the refridgerator, shit in the closet, vomit on the TV, etc. I lump this into the “OOPS I SHAT ON YOUR CARPET DURING A PARTY” category.

C) Shit inside baggies in various places: After I stopped letting him use my bathroom he got angry and I think this started off as his way of “proving” to me that I should let him use my bathroom. After a while of this I think it started to take on a life of his own, and he started stashing his feces due to some mental illness. This is purely speculative.

Ott came out of the closet to say:

I read your posts in the other thread… hilarious story.

I’m having a hard time picturing the “Home Alone” security system, though.

Ok, if you’ve ever owned a sliding door, you know that you can secure it from being opened by putting a wooden dowel in the treads while the door is closed. This is great, except it can’t be opened from the outside. So what I did, was I attached a string to the dowel, and lead the string up to the top of the door, through a little loop-nail, and back down to a remote controlled car. By moving the car with a remote control from outside the apartment, I could cause the string to be tugged, raising the dowel, and granting me access to the interior of the apartment. I’m almost more proud of the wire trick, because I gain endless pleasure from that fucker spending hours and hours trying to yank on this stupid dummy wire I put out there for him in order to get inside and mess with my shit.

nevar4getliz Says:

Oh wow, that explains it a lot better. That’s genius, man.

Edit: I made a diagram:
First diagram

Edit 2: Dammit, beaten.

Ott came out of the closet to say:

I read your posts in the other thread… hilarious story.

*I’m having a hard time picturing the “Home Alone” security system, though. *

Ott came out of the closet to say:

I read your posts in the other thread… hilarious story.

I’m having a hard time picturing the “Home Alone” security system, though.

OP, is this anything like correct?

Sliding Part of door

kick ass story, btw

That’s basically correct, except the string attaches to the end of the bar nearest the asshole that doesn’t know what the fuck is up, and is actually resting on the treads themselves, on the ground. Pulling the string would tilt the bar up at an angle, allowing the door to be opened.

That is actually a very good rendition of Jed freaking out because he doesn’t know what is up.

Edit: HAHA I just caught that he was shitting himself in that picture. That is actually a VERY good rendition.

A wINNer = mE! came out of the closet to say:

Holy shit, I don’t think I’ve ever heard a more disgusting tale regarding bad roommates.

Are you just a wimp? The first time I found a turd in the apartment outside of a waste receptical (toilet), I would have yelled at him at the top of my lungs and made him clean it up.

Actually, Jed was much smaller than me, and emaciated. In retrospect I could have taken him, easily. That’s just not how I do things. I do not break the law. Ever. I absolutely must have a clean, orderly house, which is why I went around cleaning shit up, regardless of who did it. I am not some cowardly little bitch, in fact, I think Jed was afraid of me, which is why he did passive agressive shit like shitting in light fixtures. I generally don’t try to solve disputes by shouting or anything, I just quietly give notice of the unacceptable condition, document it, and clean it up. Somewhere back at my parent’s house I have a box full of typed, dated, signed letters to Jed stating the date, time, and extent of a mess I had to clean up, and a notice that such behavior is not acceptable, and that unless he stopped, I would move out and make him responsible for rent. Those letters helped me eventually recover back rent from him for the equivalent value of the common area he exclusively occupied during my stay there.

I eventually got so pissed off at the condition of the rest of the apartment that I could only deal with it by sealing it off, and ignoring it. Essentially there is a blank period of about a month where I absolutely ignored anything from the common area, which is why it got so bad.

I was crazy busy with schoolwork and my job, so I basically just shut the whole situation out of my mind for a while. After some time, I came to the realization that this guy might start a fire and get us both killed, which is really the beginning of the end. The thing that ended the insanity was his discovery that

A) He had access to the fuse box


B) He could trip the fuse to my room with some metal and a hallway plug


C) He was too stupid to manually flip the fuse switch and just turn off my power, so he had to go the fire hazard route. I think he might have been afraid of touching the fuse box for fear of being electrocuted.

But I’ll detail the downfall of this shit later.

For those of you wondering why I didn’t call the landlord. I was kind of in denial. I just figured that whatever happened over there was Jed’s business. I think I was on a sublease under him at the time, so I wasn’t too worried about damage to the apartment. I withheld rent from him during this time too. His family was paying rent for the whole unit, and I would reimburse him directly. I deducted cleaning costs and other things from the rent I paid him. I think he was too embarassed or crazy to call me on it, or have his lawyer financial guru daddy get me busted.

Quick fact: His father was on the cover of Forbes magazine like 8 years ago.

Have you ever had something go wrong, and, knowing it was someone elses responsibility, just didn’t intervene out of sheer curiousity about how it fucking bad it would get? I didn’t turn him in for that reason too. I just… wanted to see how bad it would get. I was stupid, mad, curious, and really didn’t have any responsibility for damage to the unit, knowing his family would cover the costs.

Edit: So, basically, I didn’t kick his ass for two reasons: A) I am always law abiding to a fault, and B) The setup I made was really very convenient for me, and made it so I never even had any contact with the guy. It was basically rent-free… I paid $50 a month in rent after all of the deductions for unsanitary conditions and ouster from the common area I made (and documented… and got to keep after the courts got done looking at it…), and I was exiting and entering from an opposite end of the house. Basically, I only really knew what Jed was up to during this period from forensic evidence in the apartment and the accounts of friends, neighbors, and the police.

DannyManic came out of the closet to say:

Yeah, dude, you’re crazier than he is.

From my perspective, imagine this: You are strapped for cash. Someone offers you a studio apartment, with minifridge and bathroom for $50 a month, and after you move out, you’re given a few thousand dollars just for living there. The only catch is that there’s a closet you can’t open, and you have to tape around the edges,and the lock to get in is a remote controlled car rig. Sounds like a good deal to me. Jed couldn’t make much noise to bother me after I confiscated his music equipment. All of the people talking about going ape shit sound like the nutballs to me. I’m very easy going, and I came out of this ahead. I’ll get to the renumeration later.

Also it was very satisfying to have this asshole’s shit in a locker across town and know that he desperately wanted to fuck with my shit but couldn’t, and couldn’t prove I ganked his stuff. He would flip the fuck out in rage from this. I think that might have contributed to his degeneration into madness.

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